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Joelle BarakatMy Space... Your Space... February 23 Hole BoyHe's the "hole boy". Every time they look in his eyes, their thoughts drown in them... so deep, so away, so endlessly. He's a stranger. He's a mystery. They say he's got a hole, somewhere in his spirit, that is reflected in his eyes. No one knows who dug that hole or how deep it is. Then the "wise man" asked the "hole boy": "Why don't you go back to your native country? Wouldn't the hole disappear?" January 08 Stop crying little girl...Stop crying little girl, stop crying... January 06 Regret...Yesterday someone asked me what's the thing that i regret the most. It made me think for a while, then I answered "concessions".
Concessions we make everyday... to please someone, to please ourselves, to please others, to make it in this world...we dont regret them at first, we convince ourselves that these are the right things to do. Then one day, the question comes, the answer is right there, deep inside. It's always been there, but uve never asked the right question, uve always avoided asking it. The question is asked; u seek the truth, it's time to. And the truth is: you've changed.
Concession after concession, denial after denial... and you're a different person. You forget everything you once stood for. You become a different person, and you regret it, you miss the old person. It's true, changing is right and inevitable. But some things dont change, they only get erased. Either they are or they aren't.
I regret. I do. Some people say: "I don't regret anything, the fact that I've been through those things made me the way I am today". But isn't everything we did or happened to us made us the way we are today? Besides, why is it always "the way we are today" considered the best? Well, if that's the case, then during "those things" you're talking about, you could have said "..the way I am today" implying it's the best. "The way I am today"... well, I've god some bad news for you: the way you are today is not better than the way you were. Remember my words when you're gonna make those same mistakes and when "those things" happen to you again.
Regretting is not a sign of weakness. Au contraire. I am courageous enough to say that I regret doing bad things and making the wrong choices. It's very easy to accept your mistakes. But what matters is to accept that they are mistakes, and you've done them. Accepting is not considering that everything is ok. Accepting must be based on a change, and the fact that you're regretting proves that you've changed. Not regretting anything, is being blind... or lying. If you do not regret, it means that you haven't changed, you still don't think it's wrong. And if you happen to be in that same position again, you're gonna make that same mistake again.
But of course, I'm not talking here about the things that happen to us from the outside, but the things that we do, the way we react, the things we think of... Because when we have nothing to do with the things that happen to us, it is irrelevant to talk about regretting. I'm talking here about the cases when we have a choice. And don't fool yourself, because most of the time, you do have a choice. And believing you don't or didn't have a choice is making a concession. Everytime you say "i don't regret", you're making another concession. You're digging the grave of your morals.
Making a concession is putting aside what you believe in order to make a profit, to comply with the situation. You know it's wrong, but you deny it. You convince yourself it's not. You say it's the right thing to do. And in the future, you might even say it was the right thing to do. But you know it's not. How? obviousness. But sometimes you prefer not to answer the call, you prefer to shut your eyes and ears, you prefer to look away, you prefer not to remember, you prefer to forget. Forgetting is not a trick of mind, it's a choice. You forget by choice. You remember, but you avoid, and in time, you'll forget. Not looking in the mirror for a long time makes you forget what you look like, you neglect that. Neglecting is a cause and an effect of not looking in the mirror. After a while, you create this illusion of what you are. You might even think that you're the same. But you're changing. You don't wanna look back in the mirror to check. But then one day, the question comes, and you look. You've got 2 choices: either you do it again, you look away, and you think it was only a nightmare, or you stare, you think, you analyze, you compare, you try to change, and promise to always check!
I'm handing you a mirror. Look at it. Face it. And now you've got 2 choices... November 23 SMSA message was sent to most of the Lebanese by "SMS", and here it is: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!To get rid of the murderers of our beloved martyrs,tell ALL your LEBANESE friends to come tomorrow at11.Not coming is being on the killers side".
Now I can't describe the way I felt once I got the news of Pierre Gemayel's murder... I was shocked, I was angry, I was sad, I was devastated, I couldn't believe that it happened. I think that we all thought that the black cloud of murders isn't hunting our dear Lebanese sky. But this action reminded us that there's a terrorist mafia in Lebanon that is still taking advantage of the lack of security in Lebanon, and spreading its terror using its infected network. And we can't do anything about it. They are amongst us, protected by some of us, unknown for most of us. Somehow, I feel that it's not only the responsibility of one side, but a plot against Lebanon by many of his enemies. Those enemies who, although could never get along with each others, were united against Lebanon. And they obviously have a lot of allies... Lebanese allies!
Those cold-blooded murderers feared nothing, not even God himself. They did what they were ordered to do, in 15 seconds, the sunlight lighting their ugly dark faces; they had the nerve to stop their car, get out of it, stand in front of that young minister, and kill him and his bodyguard, emptying their guns of 24 bullets. And still, no one is suspected, no one is caught. Only accusations.
Which brings us to that famous message sent the night Pierre El Gemayel and his bodyguard were murdered. "To get rid of the murderers of our beloved martyrs,tell ALL your LEBANESE friends to come tomorrow at11". It's true, they are our beloved martyrs. But we were there once, twice... but how come we couldn't "get rid of the murderers"? how are we supposed to "get rid of the murderers" by going to the martyrs' square? I mean, I would be the first one to go, and I wanted to go. But I knew that they would use our presence to send their hate messages. they would take advantage of the numerous people who went there to be against the murders and to pay their respects to Pierre El Gemayel, his bodyguard, and all of the other martyrs; they would take advantage of that number by claiming that their voice is the majority's voice, that they opinions are acclaimed by the majority, by creating the illusion that they are the saviours, and everyone else are murderers or traitors. I knew that that would happen, and it did. Many people present there didn't agree on what was said or implied.
Which brings us to those who couldn't be present, like myself. "Not coming is being on the killers side". I say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" enough of the murders, but also enough of using them. Enough of this propaganda. Enough of this lack of security. Enough of the conflicts. Enough of the labeling. Enough of a land of fear and insecurity. Enough of accusations. Enough of taking advantage of banners. Enough of this race. "Not going is taking the killers side" how dare they say that?!?!! And then programming that day as they want, standing there, talking about how they are the majority, and implying that those who are against them are responsible of what happened. Well they are taking the killers' side when they are accusing others who are Lebanese, just like them, only have different opinions. If they are sure that Syria is responsible of all this, how come they didn't even mention "Syria" and it seemed that I was watching the trial of other parties. Enough of all of this... enough of all of you...
Things aren't supposed to be this way. We're not supposed to follow our leaders, they're supposed to follow us. It's not a team that we're cheering. Sometimes, it's even best not to take parts. Sometimes, we must criticize. We're not supposed to be blind, and be led on their road, wherever it takes us. We're not supposed to be slaves of their actions and the positions they take. We're supposed to be free, to be able to say the truth, the truth the way we see it. We're supposed to choose, to change. We're not supposed to be chained to them. We're not supposed to cheer them and find excuses for every move they make. We're supposed to go beyond our self censor and dare to say what should be said, even when it's not what our "leader" says. Politics shouldn't be based on whatever it is that it's based on in Lebanon. It's not supposed to be based on the past, on the person, on the religion, on the emotions. It's way beyond that, because it's simply based on who's ready to shut up for a moment and listen to what his country has to say, and take the decisions that are best for his country, not for him. It's simply getting the right man/woman to the right place.
Well at first, let's take a look at the universities' elections. This year's elections were "2ouwwet V/S Aouniyyeh". but things aren't supposed to be that way. Why would I care if the delegate is 2ouwwet or 3awne??? We are supposed to vote for who is genuine, who could really devote him/herself, who is really ready to make improvements, and who doesn't let his political opinions interfere with his actions. But it seems that most of us are nothing but puppets being manipulated by those who care about nothing except showing that they have the majority. The youth are supposed to be the most independent and free in the country. They are supposed to create the revolution, the true revolution, that's based on something new, and think in a new and different way. They should have their own demands, they should talk, they should be the example to everyone else. But unfortunately, the youth in Lebanon are only followers. I believed in the youth when they were oppressed, because they showed the best of them. They fought against injustice, they were the only ones to have the courage to talk. But now that they have the freedom to talk, they are only repeating. Now that the "leaders" are back, there's no place left for their voices.
But I hope that one day, soon, all the masks will fall, the true revolution will start. A revolution that's not based on destruction, but on building. A revolution that's free, that has no one to lead it, but that's evident, like the light itself. A revolution that reaches all the aspects of a new life. A revolution of hope and prosperity. A revolution that starts within ourselves. October 14 A split second..."I shouldn't have!!! Why?? Why?? I had a split second to choose between asking that question and not... and I chose to do it. I was only afraid of my own embarrassment. How could I know it would lead to this? What I was afraid of is meaningless considering what happened due to that question!! People got hurt, cried, hated. It was all because of me. I feel like I started a chain reaction, and I didn't know I had the key in the first place. "I'm sorry.. I regret.. forgive me.." echoing in the silence of my room. All these feelings, all these emotions inside me, all this tension.. lead to nothing but a tear. I don't even have the power or the will to stop it from falling. I've been hurt before; I've been hurt deeply that exact same day; but nothing hurts as much as knowing that what you've done caused a lot of pain and hatred to your dearest people. I had no right to ask that question, I had no right to gamble with people's feelings. I had a split second to choose, and I did. Now I've got all the time to drown in tears and regret. "I'm sorry.. I didn't know things would turn out to become like this. Believe me I didn't. If I had that split second again, I'd do anything, anything, but not ask that question. Believe me. If only I knew. If only you knew..." October 08 Sthg new I'm writing ("Time") :P:PThe pack was empty of cigarettes... except for one. She didn't look at it this way; she doesn't count, she doesn't foresee, she doesn't predict.. she doesn't even see. She only pictures that cigarette being smoked. Unconsciously, mechanically, out of habit maybe, she reached out for it. She didn't think about her act, she didn't have a word in it, she's like programmed to do it... she sets the roll between her lips, not too loose yet not too firm, so it finds its balance, fixed at one end, and its rest floating in the air. Then her hand comes out with a lighter from nowhere, displaying a magician's ability. With the same lightness, and probably unconsciousness, she goes on with the process. Every move is measured, every step is followed by another inevitable step. And so, she holds the lighter for a split second at the right position, not too close yet not too far, then triggers off the sound that breaks the silence, the sound of transition. And suddenly, it's all slowed down. The flame embraces the end of the roll, the smoke starts drawing its magic line; she slowly but deeply inhales, closing her eyes, and letting go the lighter. Then she slightly leans back, and exhales; she watches the chaotic smoke come out, overcome the power of gravity, draw its own pattern in space, then progressively vanish. She looks back at the cigarette, watches the layer peel and the circle of fire spread, letting the ashes behind. She looks back at the cigarette, and noone knows why or what keeps her doing that; she looks back at the cigarette, lost in her own world, then takes a sip from that magic potion that allows her to travel back to it... She looks back at the cigarette and watches it being consumed slowly by time, just like her. Watching the effect and power of the passing time gives her the ability to understand it and the power to reminisce without her feelings being involved. And from time to time, she gives up to the weight of stability, and gets rid of the ashes ChangesHello there!! I know it's been a while. But here I am, and I still have no idea what I'm gonna write next. I've been trying to avoid writing, to be honest (writing a blog particularly; but I've been writing other stuff, and other people's stuff :P).
Writing about myself could be hard now, for writing is a process during which not only do you show who you are or what's on your mind, but you discover it too. And when you are going through changes, you can't show what's on your mind, coz you've got a lot on your mind, which equals nothing; and you don't want to discover it because you're afraid.. afraid to discover that with everyone/everything around you changing (or changed) you're still there, reaching for your past, and you think that withh all those changes you're somehow the same; or that during all this you forgot who you were and there's nothing to discover, but a lot to build (and you don't have the courage to do it, not yet); or that in spite of everything changing, you're already one step forward, which destroys the value of your past, and makes you wonder about the value of your present, for you know it will one day become your past and you will walk away from it so easily.
You're afraid to discover that you're afraid. Afraid to go back, afraid to stay, afraid to leave.
Well I can't stay much longer, but I have the feeling I'll continue this blog too.
I'm gonna publish a draft (that's still a draft) that is an introduction to a story I'm writing (very unprofessional and dumb writing). And again, I don't know how it started or how it's gonna end. Just if someone's wondering, I'm not talking about myself, for I'm not a smoker :P. |
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